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Guns and Fourth Graders

  Fourth grade was my favorite year at Vergennes Elementary School. Our class had a brand-new teacher, Mr. Wells. He was right out of college in the fall of 1971 and we were the first students he taught on his own. Our class had been together since first grade. Kelly McKinnon and Laurie Allo lived down the street from my house and we often walked to school together, along with my twin sister Ann, and Julie Emerson and Carol Fagan. Those three were in the other fourth grade class with Mrs. Gray, a teacher in the last few years of her career, so we thought we’d really lucked out with Mr. Wells. Mark Sabrin and Jeff Oulette were in my class; they were cousins. Jeff would later marry Betsy Adams, another classmate. They’re still married today. Tommy Brigan, another fourth grader in Mr. Wells’ class, just retired a few weeks ago after a long career with Green Mountain Power. Homer Homel was the tallest kid in our class and Cheryl Brinkman was the smartest. Fourth grade felt like the sweet spot of elementary school. We were no longer in the “primary grades,” at the other end of the building, but we also weren’t yet switching classes and having different teachers for different subjects; that didn’t happen until fifth grade. We still dressed up a bit for school, or at least had “school clothes” that we peeled off when we got home to put on our “play clothes.” We didn’t know what each other’s parents did for a living so we weren’t really aware of family finances. We may not have even known the first names of our friends’ parents, but we knew all the kids in the family and probably the grandparents. We’d likely heard of the war in Vietnam, but we weren’t yet learning about it in school. Nixon, Watergate, and the Energy Crisis were all still ahead of us.
When I heard about the May 24 shooting in the fourth grade class at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas, the first thing I thought of was Mr. Wells and our classroom in Vergennes. And of Mark, Jeff, Betsy, Tommy, Homer and Cheryl. And also Danny, Monica, Lindy, Pam, Robin, Kevin and Bridgette, who made up the rest of our class. The more details that came out about the shooting in Uvalde, the more horrific the news became. These fourth graders were in such fear. One was making calls to 911 desperately asking for police help. She rubbed the blood of her dead classmates on herself to appear to be dead. All this lasted for nearly an hour. It’s impossible to imagine the fear they must have felt each minute. I listened to an interview with one father, as he held a photo of his daughter. He was listing all of her wonderful fourth-grade accomplishments, and then said “she was a good girl. She brushed her teeth every night.” That’s how young she was; young enough that brushing her teeth every night was a proud accomplishment.
  Because of these fourth graders, my fourth grade friends, and Mr. Wells, I decided that I needed to know more about guns, guns control, “common sense gun laws,” the Second Amendment, DC v Heller, red flags, “violent ideation,” gun ownership and responsible gun ownership. I have close friends on both ends of “the gun debate.” Some believe there is no need for anyone, let alone an 18 year-old, to own a semi-automatic weapon, as was used in Uvalde. There are some who believe that restricting gun ownership is a slippery slope and that we must address the underlying issues of gun violence (a broken mental health system, youths’ continual exposure to very realistic, violent video games, kids without adults in their lives who care about them). All these beliefs have value to me. There are people who are on the extreme ends of this debate – from “no one should own a gun” to “the Second Amendment protects my ‘God-given’ right to own a gun.” I don’t agree with either of these extremes. (And don’t get me started on people bringing God into this topic as if God is an entity who proclaims from the heavens what Constitutional rights Americans have. More on the Second Amendment later.) I believe there are many more people in the middle ground of this debate and these people all want to reduce gun violence and promote responsible gun ownership.
The basic premise of my thinking was – there are more guns in US than in any other country, and there is more gun violence in the US. It seems like a simple equation. More guns = more deaths by guns. It’s more nuanced than that, and the equation isn’t correct.

Here are some statistics:

- more than 81.4 million Americans own guns
- 44% of US households at least one gun - there are 393 million guns in the hands of civilians in the US (so not counting military or police personnel)
- the average American gun owner has 5 guns
(all of the above from Americangunfacts.com)

- in 2020 – 45,222 people in US died from gun related injuries (CDC)
- 43% of those deaths were homicides and 54% of those deaths were suicides (Pew Research Center)

Countries with the Highest Total Gun Deaths (2019) Brazil – 46,436 US – 37,038 Venezuela – 28,515 Mexico – 22,116 India – 14,710

The US is not in the top five countries highest rates of homicides per 100,000 people. Those countries are El Salvador, Venezuela, Guatemala, Colombia and Brazil.

Mass shootings (a shooting in which four or more people are killed) account for a small percentage of gun violence in the US. (worldpopulationreview.com)

Mass shootings, especially school shootings, get a lot of media coverage. This helped to skew the numbers for me. My assumption, prior to looking at the numbers, was that the US was very high in comparison to other countries in total guns deaths and that homicides would outnumber suicides. Homicides are the second leading cause of death for adolescences 15 to 19, (behind accidents) which in and of itself is a frightening statistic that deserves a lot of attention, research, and prevention efforts.
  I recently had a conversation with my Lancaster friend Larry Barker, who owns several firearms and also taught gun safety to youth for many years, and is squarely in the category of a responsible gun owner. He suggested to me that mass shootings, including school shootings, account for a small number of homicides in the US and that the fear of school shootings makes us believe differently. He said he believes people are reacting based on fear, not logic or statistics. He compared it to a shark attack off the coast of Maine that killed a kayaker near where he kayaks. Because so many more kayakers are in the coastal waters of Maine than ever encounter a shark, he reasons, he shouldn’t be hesitant to continue to take his kayak out.
   But the fear is there, for all of us. Many millions of us didn’t personally know any of the fourth graders killed in Uvalde, or the high schoolers at Marjory Stoneman Douglas in Parkland, Florida, but we all know fourth graders and high schoolers; we were fourth graders and high schoolers. Gun violence happens in all different kinds of settings now – schools, movie theaters, churches, synagogues, political events, grocery stores – so that it seems it can happen anywhere. It’s not logical; it’s fear-based thinking. We read now about people being shot following an argument in a parking lot and I think, “why did the guy even have a gun on his way into the grocery store?” That seems like a logical question to me. The answer is, “because he can,” which doesn’t seem logical to me.
   This is where I separate myself from some of my friends who lean toward the end of the spectrum that invokes the Second Amendment. We can all spout our opinions about what a “militia” technically is, and how an amendment, written when muzzle loaders were being used, can or can not apply to the semi-automatic weapons of today. But the only people whose opinions will really change anything are those of the nine justices the of Supreme Court. In 2008, in the District of Columbia v. Heller, a majority of the justices ruled in favor of Dick Heller, who sued Washington, DC after it banned residents from owning handguns. At the time, Justice Antonin Scalia (known for being a conservative member of the Court) wrote in the decision, “Like most rights, the right secured by the Second Amendment is not unlimited. It is not a right to keep and carry any weapon whatsoever in any manner whatsoever and for whatever purpose.”
  In 2010, in a similar decision from McDonald v. the City of Chicago, the Court decided that the Second Amendment applies to state and local governments, not just the federal government. And again, the Court wrote in its decision: “It is important to keep in mind that Heller, while striking down a law that prohibited the possession of any handgun in the home, recognized that the right to bear arms is not ‘a right to keep and carry any weapon whatsoever in any manner whatsoever for whatever purpose.’”
  It’s also interesting to me that former Chief Justice Warren Burger, appointed to the Court by Nixon in 1969, also commented on the Second Amendment after he retired. In an article he wrote for the Associated Press in 1991 he stated: “The very language of the Second Amendment refutes any argument that it is intended to guarantee every citizen an unfettered right to any kind of weapon he or she desires.” There have been a few memes circulating on Facebook of other quotes from Chief Justice Burger that combine and edit a few things he said at different times. More accurately, here’s what he said during a 1991 interview on PBS: “If I were writing the Bill of Rights right now, there wouldn’t be any such thing as the Second Amendment.” Then he reads it. He continues to say, “this has been the subject of one of the greatest pieces of fraud, I repeat, fraud, on the American people by special interest groups that I have ever seen in my lifetime.” So Chief Justice Burger, a Nixon appointee to the Supreme Court, in 1991 is calling out special interest groups for trying to distort the meaning of the Second Amendment. It would be interesting to hear his comments today about how the gun lobby, most notably the NRA, and other “special interest groups” have twisted the Second Amendment to authorize people to carry any weapon whatsoever, in any manner, for any purpose.
  Because I knew very little about guns, and had never fired one, I took Larry up on his offer to go to the firing range in Groveton, NH. I thought it might help me understand the appeal of guns. First I had a very thorough lesson at his house, learning a great deal about different kinds of firearms and ammunition and their purposes. In a perfect world, everyone who owned a firearm would be taught a gun safety course by Larry. At the firing range I did fairly well. I’ve got my shot-up paper target to prove it. We shot .22s, first at the paper target, then at some clay disks on a berm farther away, and then at some other targets. I got a bit of a sense of why people would like it. It was fun to learn a new skill. It was challenging and there was immediate feedback on how I did.
   Larry and I had a good conversation between two people who don’t agree on all aspects of gun ownership. I don’t understand why an 18 year-old boy needs to be able to buy an AR15 for his birthday. Larry thinks we don’t put enough focus and money into the root problems of gun violence, and he’s right. He also thinks that people should be charged with a felony (which it is) if they lie on their paperwork when purchasing a gun and he believes that there are already some regulations in place that, if enforced, would combat gun violence. I agree with that too. But I keep going back to that fourth grade classroom, where instead of Mr. Wells it was Mrs. Mireles and Mrs. Garcia.
  Progress was made with legislation in Florida following the Parkland shooting, and it can be made in other states. In Florida we can credit the brave and bold students of Majory Stoneman Douglas High School, along with a bipartisan legislative effort, that brought about change. There is currently a bipartisan group in Congress working on a gun safety package to present to their colleagues. I want to be hopeful. However, Sen. John Cornyn, the lead negotiator for the Republicans, was booed on Friday when he spoke at a GOP convention in his home state of Texas before he could even explain what options and plans that were being discussed by the bipartisan group. People need to listen and be thoughtful. I know I need to rise above my fears and listen to responsible gun owners like Larry. And I hope Larry has a better sense of my fear. He took a photo of me with my shot-up target and told me to use it for refrigerator art. I didn’t do that, but I have photo of it on my phone that I sent to my daughters to show them I got outside of my usual comfort zone and tried something new. In a thank you-note I wrote to Larry, I suggested that if he and I were assigned by Congress to come up with a bipartisan gun safety package, I bet we could do it. In the meantime, while we’re waiting for a message from Congress asking the two of us to step forward, I’m doing what I can. I’m educating myself and I’m writing, writing about what scares me and what makes me hopeful in this world.

Top 5 Lists

Years ago, I was a big fan of David Letterman. It was long enough ago that he was hosting “The Late Show with David Letterman” on NBC and the show didn’t come on until 12:30 a.m., after Johnny Carson. You had to be a devoted fan (or a college student) to stay up that late to watch Dave interview and array of interesting people, and also throw things off the roof of a five-story building and cheer on his guests doing “stupid human tricks.” There was no taping shows then, or watching them later on YouTube. One of David’s most popular segments was his nightly Top 10 List in which he ranked everything from “Things You Don’t Want to Hear at a Bus Stop” to “Words That Sound Great When Spoken by James Earl Jones,” and a great deal in between.
I’ve had some phrases that annoy me pop up frequently in conversations and books lately, enough so that in my head I began to create my own Top 5 List of “Comments That Drive Me Crazy.” And then, to balance all the negativity, I decided I should think of top five phrase that I really like to hear. I offer these lists with the disclaimer that they are based purely on my own opinion and are not meant to be lists that carry any kind of significance to any one else. Given that there is “no accounting for personal taste,” there is likely no accounting for personal peeves. So here they are, first the negative then the positive, from the home office in St. Johnsbury, Vermont:

“Just saying.” This phrase is usually said just after the speaker has voiced their opinion that is contrary to what others have said. Or the person may have come out with statement that they know may be offensive or, at the least, disruptive to the conversation. And they toss out a “just saying” as if that will excuse any harm they may have done. “Just saying” seems the equivalent of some who say, “bless her heart” after they have said something disparaging about someone else.

“Don’t get all PC on me.” Being “PC” or politically correct, usually means you’re trying to be respectful and considerate of others’ values, emotions, safety or possibly even their presence. Being thoughtful and kind in a conversation isn’t something to avoid.

“It’s all part of God’s plan.” I know first hand that there are people who believe everything that happens in life - good, bad, joyful, tragic - is orchestrated by a God who plans out the details of our lives. I would not try to talk someone out of this belief. It is likely central to their faith. But for many people who don’t hold this conviction, these words can be confusing at best, but also hurtful. To be told that a devastating experience like the death of loved one, could be part of some preordained plan specifically designed for them, doesn’t provide comfort. It is hard for them to find comfort in a God who would inflict pain for what they see as no good reason.

2. “God won’t give you anything more than handle.” Another comment that I know some people adhere to as a mainstay of their faith. If that’s your belief, stick with it. But we need to be careful about imposing our beliefs others when trying to provide support and advice. And secondly, sometimes life does throw more challenges, difficulties and disasters than one person can handle. They crumble under the weight of it all and they need help. Does this make them a failure? This comment seems to belittle the situation as someone may physically and emotionally survive whatever the problems are, but that doesn’t mean it's not a hugely difficult experience to endure.
And the Number 1 Annoying Phrase…

“There but for the grace of God go I.” (The idiom is credited to John Bradford of the Church of England in the 1500s, who reportedly said this while watching a convicted criminal walk to his execution.) Typically, someone says this when they witness another person in a situation they wouldn’t want to be in themselves, like living on the street or dealing with a natural disaster. To me, invoking this phrase implies that for some reason the speaker is more worthy of God’s grace than the person they are referring to. I read phrase this recently on a Facebook post about Ukrainians whose apartments and homes were bombed. Surely the Ukrainians are deserving of God’s grace. Maybe instead of referring to God’s grace, we should just call it luck. “There but for some random luck, go I.”

The Top Five Phrases I Like to Hear

“I just got a plane ticket and I’m flying home!” Who doesn’t want to hear that one of their kids has made a plan to be home soon?
“Be Well.” I noticed this expression after I moved back to Vermont about 15 years ago. After saying “goodbye” or “nice to see you” to someone while leaving a casual conversation, the other person would say, “be well” as we each went our own way. They are kind and gentle words for parting, and so Vermont.
“Well, it all pretends without it doesn’t.” This was a nonsensical phrase a teacher friend of mine said her school’s always patient, hardworking, custodian would say whenever they called him about a messy problem in their classroom or bathroom. No one in the school was quite sure what it meant, but for this custodian who had seen it all and cleaned up after it all, it was his way of reassuring the teachers that he could handle the situation, and knew just how to respond to whatever crisis they’d called him about. The teachers believed it to mean “no worries,” in custodian language.
“Be Happy. Be Brave. Be Kind.” I like this one so much that I tattooed it on my arm.
“Cheers!” Many years ago I was with my daughter Molly and her dad at the old bowling alley lunch counter in Lancaster and our neighbor, “Babe” Smith, who owned the bowling alley, was fixing our snacks. Babe prepared Molly her usual treat at the time, some cranberry sauce and a pickle. Molly held up her glass of juice, said “Cheers!” and clinked our glasses. If you can say cheers over cranberry sauce and pickles, then it’s a toast for any occasion for sure. And it’s a word that can elevate any situation. We should use it more often as a quick affirmation that any moment can be a special occasion.

That’s my list. I’ve tested it out with a few friends and family members and it’s been interesting to hear their reactions and learn what phrases are on their lists. For example, my sister Kate explained that she felt the comment, “there but for the grace of God go I,” can be a humble statement that expresses the vulnerability of someone saying they rely on God’s grace. I can see that now too. She also often ends phone calls and conversations with a happy “Cheers!” I like that.
What would be on your lists?
Cheers!

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Twinning

3/15/2022

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   Not long ago we learned that my cousin’s daughter is expecting twins in July. Our whole extended family is very excited for Ida and Ahmed, the parents to be. Their twins will join four other treasured kids in that generation. Ida invited my twin sister and me to chat by Zoom to talk about all things twins as she and Ahmed prepare to parent their twins. There are not a lot of subjects that I feel innately qualified to talk about, but on the topic of twins, I am distinctly qualified. I have an identical twin sister, Ann. I also have identical twin daughters, Ann and Kara. I’ve lived the twin life, and also watched it unfold before my eyes.
   My twin sister Ann and I provided Ida with the basic advice that we often give when someone asks – don’t give them matching or rhyming names and don’t dress them alike. I asked my girls about this later, to see if they agreed that this is sound advice. Kara was quick to respond. “Don’t do anything that perpetuates stereotypes of twins. Don’t push matching outfits, styles or activities on them.” My lived experience was, and apparently it was the same for Ann and Kara, that it was difficult enough to establish who you are in life as an individual, and it is even more complicated when there is someone next to you who looks just like you. Tween and teenage years can be fraught with struggles while trying to find your way and let others know who you are and what you stand for, but if there is someone with whom you can be easily confused with on a daily (more like hourly) basis, it’s that much more challenging. In a high school class that Ann and I took together, we had a teacher that we both really liked and respected. When he took the roll call for the day, he’d call us “Annabby,” as if it we had one name and we were one person. Ugh! When it was pointed out to him how frustrating and hurtful that was, he made an effort not only to call us by the right name, but to get to know us as individuals. (Thank you, Mr. Yarnell.) Until I was well into adulthood, I still answered to “Ann” when someone called that name, because for most of my life, they were likely talking to me.
   My daughter Ann talked about a set of identical twins that she and Kara were in elementary and junior high school with. They had similar sounding names and usually dressed alike. “They got a lot of attention for being ‘the twinny twins,’ but no one could really tell them apart, and we didn’t know them as individuals,” Ann said.
   When my twins were four or five years old, with shoulder length, blonde curls, Ann decided she wanted to cut her hair really short. “I got tired of being called Kara,” she explained. She got the haircut; it looked very cute, and served just the purpose she had hoped for. Everyone knew right away who was Ann, and who was Kara. It was a great idea and worked really well until a couple of years later when an elderly friend called Ann “a cute little fellow.” She didn’t cut her hair again until it was the same length as Kara’s. But she did start wearing those stretching, black “tattoo” choker necklaces all the time, and then that was the way people could tell them apart with a quick look.
   As they got older people tried to find physical characteristics to tell them apart. “People need to be mindful of how they choose to distinguish the difference in twins. If I hear one more time that I have the rounder face…” Ann said. “Everything is measured,” Kara added. “You’re not just tall, you’re ‘the taller one.’ Just get to know me, don’t compare me.”
   Ann and Kara turned 28 recently, and some things haven’t changed. “I don’t go out wearing something even remotely like Ann if we’re together. Like if she’s wearing French braids, I don’t braid my hair,” Kara said. “I don’t even order the same food as Ann if we go out to eat with a group of friends.”
   “You can treat twins the same, but you need to adapt to them individually,” Ann explained, and offered me the earliest example she could come up with. “Remember when Kara and I both got the same teddy bears when we were little. Mine was Bussy. (She didn’t have to remind me. Bussy was Ann’s most treasured possession for many years.) Kara didn’t really like hers, but I carried Bussy around with me everywhere. It was okay that I had a bear and Kara didn’t have a stuffed animal that she carried around.” In junior high they signed up for after school activities, but Kara signed up for cheerleading and Ann signed up for the wrestling team. We attended all the basketball games and wrestling meets to support them both.
   Like Ann and I, my daughters usually got similar grades, but approached their schoolwork differently. Both Anns were usually quicker to finish their schoolwork, while Kara and I were those students who used all the time allotted for tests. Kara recalled the frustration she felt when Ann could write papers and essays quickly, while she really struggled to get the words on paper. “There was one homework assignment I remember Ann finished in one hour, and I was still working on it three hours later,” Kara recalled. “And when you told me ‘I get it. I know how that feels,’ I knew you really did.” She continued, “If Ann wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have worried about how long it took me to write the essay, but I knew she had finished so much faster. Twins will compare each other. That’s something Ida should know.” Ann considered this as well. “I haven’t ever compared myself to Molly,” (their older sister) she said. “But if there’s something Kara can do, then why not me?”
   As you might imagine, the sense of familiarity between twins can be a positive thing but also has its drawbacks. “There’s more intense fighting. You know just how to push each other’s buttons,” Ann explained. “We can fire each other up faster than anyone else. Give me two sentences and I can set her off.” This is true. I’ve seen it happen. The other side of the coin is that twins often have an easy time understanding one another. “We are able to get our point across to each other without too many words,” Ann said. I know I can use many fewer words to explain something to my sister Ann, than I need to use with anyone else. And all four of us have experienced situations where in a group setting, something happens that only strikes the you and your twin as funny. Some of the times I have laughed the hardest in my life, laughing so hard I can’t talk to explain why, Ann is the only other person laughing.
   Ann and Kara and I compared the list of questions that we’ve all heard over and over. Do you ever forget which one you are? How do you know your parents never mixed you up? Can she feel your pain? Why doesn’t your twin work here too? Why don’t your names rhyme? Do you have your own language?
   People are often intrigued by twins. “I think the idea of twins is appealing, but there’s also that creepy part, like the twins in The Shining,” Kara said. In celebration of all things twin, for years Kara has tried to Ann, me, and my sister Ann to go to the Twins Day Festival in Twinsburg, Ohio. Making the most of its name, this town near Cleveland, has been holding this weekend-long event every August since 1976. It is the largest annual gathering of multiples in the world, with its number one mission to “be a vehicle for the celebration of the uniqueness of twins and other of multiple births.” The first year 38 sets of twins gathered and since then the organizers estimate 77,000 sets of multiples have attended the festival. It clearly states on the website that dressing alike is not required, but it is also quite clear from all the photos that all the twins do dress alike. Kara’s up for it, for this one occasion anyway. “I think our situation is so unique - twins and their mom and her twin, it would be cool,” she said, trying to convince me. “This would be a celebration of all that. A safe place to be weird, and by that, I mean the same.”

    (You may be thinking, “ahhh, twins must run in their family,” or “I thought twins skipped a generation.” Neither is true for us. Fraternal twins may run in families where women inherit the trait of ovulating multiple eggs, so two different eggs are fertilized in one pregnancy, and develop into fraternal twins, like siblings who happen to be born at the same time. To create identical twins, one fertilized egg splits in two, so there are two separate embryos with the same genetic makeup. The odds of having identical twins are much lower than the odds of having fraternal twins, so either I beat the odds, or this is some kind of karmic payback for me. Fraternal twins, conceived naturally, are born at a rate of about 30 per 1,000 births. The odds lower to 3 or 4 per 1,000 births for identical twins. The odds of an identical twin giving birth to identical twins are one is 62,500.)

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